Pregnancy is fun.. wait, what?

Some jokes, contributed by Grandpa Dickey

Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move ?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college

Q: Does pregnancy affect a woman’s memory ?
A: Most of the ladies I asked don’t remember
Q: My breasts, rear end & even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy ?
A: Yes, your bladder
Q: Ever since I’ve been pregnant, I haven’t been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving ?
A: Depends on what your doing with them
Q: My wife is 5 months pregnant and so moody that she’s borderline irrational.
A: So what’s your question ?
Q: What position should the baby be in during the ninth month of pregnancy ?
A: Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder
Q: How do I know if my baby has dropped ?
A: He/She will start crying. Be more careful !
Q: How long is the average woman in labor ?
A: Whatever she says, divided by two
Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right ?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural ?
A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant
Q: Is there a reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor ?
A: Not unless the word “alimony” is a concern for you
Q: I’m modest. Once I start to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position ?
A: Authorized hospital personnel only — doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.

Q: What does it mean when the baby’s head is crowning ?
A: It means you feel as thought not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make it’s way out of you
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth ?
A: Yes, pregnancy
Q: Does labor cause hemorrhoids ?

A: Labor causes anything you want to blame it for
Q: When should a baby not be circumcised ?
A: When it’s a girl.
Q: Where is the best place to store breast milk ?
A: In your breasts
Q: Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps ?
A: Yes, baby lips
Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth ?
A: It means that the baby’s mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse
Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing ?
A: When you see teeth marks
Q: What is the grasp reflex ?
A: The reaction of new father’s when he sees new mother’s breasts.
Q: Can a mother get pregnant while nursing ?
A: Yes, but it’s much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.
Q: What happens to disposable diapers after they’re thrown away ?
A: They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in case of global chemical warfare.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower ?
A: Not if your change the baby’s diaper very quickly
Q: What is colic ?
A: A reminder for new parents to use birth control
Q: What are night terrors ?
A: Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she’s pregnant again
Q: Will I love my dog less when the baby is born ?
A: No, but your husband will most likely get on your nerves
Q: What are the terrible twos ?
A: Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to act normal ?
A: Possibly when the kids are in college