After writing the pitocin post yesterday, I cried for awhile. Just one of those nights. I talked about it for awhile on twitter (actually, I more just read what other people had to say and didn’t do much talking). Two things I noticed:
1) An incredible amount of people have a similar story. Why is it so “normal” to receive a c-section these days, especially unnecessary and most likely unwanted ones? What is wrong with medical staff that this is what it has come to? Everyone just wants to get home and when someone arrives who is moving too slowly (like myself, who was at the hospital for 24 hours before the c-section), the surgery is pushed rather than waiting for the natural, magical experience of birth. And it’s sick.
2) People keep telling me I’m amazing and strong and I don’t get it. I didn’t do anything… I sat on a delivery bed for 24 hours before being strapped down and having a baby pulled out of me. I didn’t do a thing. It’s part of what hurts the most–that I’m disappointed in myself–but thank you for the comments.
Anyway…. we had the c-section around 3am. They took me in first and about 5 people surrounded me to get everything ready–it was quick and confusing. They strapped down my legs, laid my arms out crucifix-style, and numbed nearly my entire body. I kept asking when they’d let Steve in and finally, he was there.
I NEVER in a million years thought I’d end up with a c-section so I had no idea what to expect, I hadn’t read anything about them. When they were sure I was good and numb, they started. I could feel everything, but no pain. They cut through 5 layers of skin and muscle, at one point tearing through with their hands (I read about it after I got home) until reaching the uterus. They were moving so quickly, my entire body was jerking around on the table and I was squeezing Steve’s hand. To get the baby out they had to press on my upper abdomen (I don’t know why)–1 push, pull out the baby’s head… 2nd push, pull out the baby’s body. Yes, the pushes hurt–intense pressure, but only for a second.
When the baby was fully out, it was a crazy feeling… my back arched upward, I made some sort of groaning sound, and it was a huge weight lifted, pressure removed, sort of sensation. So hard to explain. I liken it to the feeling a woman must have when the baby is pushed out during a natural birth… and I hold on to having that.
They took Ryan over to a table to clean him off and everything–I couldn’t see a thing, but Steve could. I kept asking him if Ryan was ok and if he was cute and I was wondering why there was no crying, but I didn’t want to ask. I could tell Steve wondered too–his face was full of fear. Steve later said they were rubbing him/dropping him and the nurse was getting frustrated or something, shaking his head. But no worries, a short bit later we heard him cry and all was fine APGAR scores of 6 and 9.
They called Steve over to cut the cord and get some pictures, etc. then they brought baby over to me so I could see him. I was so happy and so excited, but I didn’t cry. Every time I thought of this moment for the last 9 months, I’d cry. But when it actually happened… I think I was so doped up I couldn’t. But no matter, I was happy. They took him away and Steve went with. The anesthesiologist suggested I take a nap. I tried, I sure felt like it, but they were putting me back together with more pulling and it wasn’t much of a napping
environment lol. It took a half hour? Then they rolled me to recovery… Steve came to check on me and brought me ice chips because my mouth was SO dry and I had a terrible taste in my mouth. I was also shaking uncontrollably–from the morphine they gave for the pain. It was awful. I kept telling Steve to go back to the baby, but he was so worried about me, he was reluctant. But, of course, he went back to baby.
I think I stayed there for about an hour. I couldn’t sleep because of the shaking and I was trying SO hard to not shake every time the nurse came by because I thought they were waiting for that to stop before letting me go to the Mother/Baby unit. Fianlly, I went. I breastfed and we all fell asleep. It was probably about 5am by this point.