My 10 Commandments for Heather at Better Homes and Gardens

Many of you heard the out lash from moms everywhere (especially breastfeeding moms) over a blog post by Heather at Better Homes and Gardens. She wrote The 10 Commandments of Dining With Little Kids. She very clearly has no kids or she’d be much more understanding of how hard a job it is (which is why we bring toys to dinner with us) or how in love we are with our children (and take a million photos of them eating their green beans). She even dared to say that you shouldn’t breastfeed at the table and if you must, do it in the BATHROOM. She claims there is a blurring between “adult world” and “kid world.” Well, Ms. Heather, I believe there is a blurring between “intelligent people” and “ignorant people” and if you think adults and kids can’t play nice together, I hate to be the one to tell you that intelligence doesn’t play nice with ignorance. Guess which you are.

So, Heather of Better Homes and Gardens (and the rest of the ignoramuses), this is for you:

The 10 Commandments of Dining:

1. THOU SHALL NOT JUDGE
Parents of noisy, run-a-muck  children are still parents. Parents with the very tough job of raising kids. Parents that deserve a night out.

2. THOU SHALL NOT TURN UP THEIR NOSE AT BREASTFEEDING MOTHERS.
It’s a boob and its purpose is to make milk for growing babies. If you don’t think our bodies should be used for their purpose, I suggest you find a new way to shove that food in your face… or I’ll find a way for you.

3. THOU SHALL NOT TALK ON YOUR CELL PHONE
I don’t need to hear about your lonely life drama with the cute new coworker or your favorite new flavor of vitamin water because it cures your hangover, o-m-g like magic.

4. THOU SHALL ORDER WHAT’S ON THE MENU
You don’t want to be “that person” that takes 5 minutes to order because first you need to know what that word means and if you can get this side instead of that one, oh and can you put that on the side? and pick those out? And it needs to be warm, not hot.. and not lukewarm, just warm. With a little bit of pink, okay? — You’re just asking for a side of spit with those fries.

5. THOU SHALL LEAVE A GOOD TIP
I’m just guessing you’re a bad tipper, call me crazy. At least 20%, k?

6. THOU SHALL NOT GO TO A KID-FRIENDLY RESTAURANT IF YOU HATE KIDS
Self-explanatory, yes? For a quiet, kid-free night out, pick an upscale place where the presence of children is highly unlikely. Pick Chuck E Cheese and you’re asking for it.

7. THOU SHALL NOT EAT YOUR FOOD IN THE BATHROOM
What?! That’s ridiculous, who would eat in the bathroom–gross! I wouldn’t send my kid to eat in there, so I don’t expect you to either, silly!

8. THOU SHALL NOT EAT UNDER A COVER
I’d imagine that would not only be dark and hot, but quite demeaning. You wouldn’t eat under a cover anyway though, right? Didn’t think so. Then don’t expect anyone else to.

9. THOU SHALL NOT EAT AT THE TABLE
Wait, isn’t this a restaurant? Aren’t you supposed to eat at the table? OH SILLY ME, I’m sorry, of course you can eat at the table…. so can your child.

10. THOU SHALL MIND YOUR OWN DAMN BUSINESS
Don’t stare. If you don’t look, you can’t see anything you don’t like. It’s a dog-eat-dog world lady, so don’t worry about anyone but yourself.

1 comment to My 10 Commandments for Heather at Better Homes and Gardens

  • Kristine Brite

    So true. That was one of my issues. I know she says the guidelines are for “four star” dining, but these are obviously still places that are kid friendly or else children wouldn’t be there. Children are noisy and loud. And, sometimes, I don’t want to dine with them. Well, not really, I love kids, but if I didn’t, and weren’t in the mood for kids, I’d go to a place that didn’t allow children. I had issues with other points of her article. Like the bulky stroller. Because, yeah, moms love hauling around bulky strollers just so they can irritate you.

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