I’ve been meaning to write about this for awhile… the highs and lows of parenthood. I’m the first in my close group of friends to have a baby. Most of my friends aren’t even close. That has made things a little hard on us. Okay… a LOT hard. My friends are wonderful people–but they just don’t get it. They didn’t get how much support we needed when Ryan was first born. How much help we needed. And now–they don’t get that I’m still a 25-year-old girl who still loves her friends. Steve and I have the same group of friends… and we’re fairly often left out of group events now. Granted, many of them we probably couldn’t attend (like the 10pm decision to head to the bars or a friend’s house), but an invite anyway would be nice………. right? Or maybe I’m just thinking it would be nice to be able to go. (and to be fair, I don’t call them nearly as often as I should… like, ever… and of course my excuse is that I get too busy, but I know I should make time and I should try to make plans).
I work part-time and when I get home, I hang with Ryan. It’s awesome and I LOVE it, but adult contact wouldn’t hurt once in awhile. I need MOMMY FRIENDS! I have turned to my blog and twitter friends who have all been nothing but amazing and supportive and thank goodness for them. In the real world? My closest friends are currently my mom and my mother in law. And there is nothing wrong with that, I love them, it would just be nice to hang out again with 20-something girls… 20-something moms would be great too.
So it’s weird. Being a mom is THE.BEST.THING I have ever done. It’s just also the hardest. I always hated that interview question, “what has been your greatest life accomplishment so far?” I never knew what to say… no one thing stood out. Finishing my thesis and getting my masters degree? Sounds like a good answer. Maybe getting my BS degree… or traveling away from family and friends for 6 weeks in Australia… jumping from a plane as 12,000 feet? All okay answers. Any would suffice. But now? Hands down, without a doubt, the greatest accomplishment of my life is Ryan. I made him and I’m still growing him (with this magical thing called breastmilk). It’s a miracle and it’s in my hands and smiling at me everyday.
That is the high of being a parent. It by far beats any of the lows that come and go. And I am meeting new mommy friends–with my ICAN and La Leche League groups. I’m even reconnecting with some girls from my high school that just recently had babies. But I don’t want to lose my “old” friends, although it seems we drift apart. How did you deal with that??? Did you drift away from your friends that had no kids???
I finally wrote this post because of an email I got today from Parents Connect that said: “your childless friends don’t understand, you have no “mom friends” and baby’s not much of a conversationalist. If you’re feeling lonely, you’re not alone. Having a baby is amazing, but it’s also amazingly overwhelming and easy to feel like you’re the only one stuck under a pile of dirty diapers. Get in touch with some grownups who get it!” <— and that is sooooo true, I could have written it myself.
I know the feeling. I make mommy friends by taking my little one to play groups and sing-alongs around the city. After an event, I often invite whoever I talked to the most out to a baby-friendly cafe, and then we and our kids hang out and get to know each other. I do also make sure to make time to go out sans baby while my partner stays home with her. I think this is where having a strict baby bed time comes in handy. I am free after eight every night if my partner is home. I still stay home most nights, but it’s nice to have options.
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Em, I found that when we had babies – even my old friends that had them around the same time – that we did lose contact. Everyone got busy with their own lives raising their kids. The great thing is that even after years of no contact, those friends are still my true great friends and we all have reconnected and it is just like we never separated. Now this may sound terrible to you because I just said we lost contact…partly my fault as you say – you don’t pick up the phone – and apparently I didn’t either. You can keep these friends – pick up that phone, call your mother to babysit (almost done with school 🙂 ) and get out of the house! 🙂 All in all, your friends will always be there for you. 🙂 love u much…
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I hear ya. Ya know I have one friend who I am actually close to from high school but she still doesn’t get it. And I even joined a moms group but they were snoody pants. I think I will honestly only have things in common with the crunchy mamas. If you want to hang out sometimes outside of ICAN I am free….mostly =D
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I feel ya. We got pregnant at a certain time because we had a planned move to China this year, so to make sure our first baby was born in the states, I got pregnant while still in college (had i known anything about breastfeeding or attachment parenting then i would have NOT done that, but that’s what happens when all the moms around you FF & CIO and you have never seen healthy parenting before, i didn’t learn about it until I was already pregnant, and it was very distressing because i had to drop out of college since i can’t pump…) so i immediately went from tons of friends, 4 clubs including a sorority to only one friend who i see every month while almost everyone else completely ignores me outside of telling me how cute the baby is. It’s no wonder most moms feel some level of depression, our stupid society completely isolates them and it is NOT okay. Ugh!
I can’t even join mommy clubs around here because i don’t want to just meet more people i have to leave, but I don’t think they’ll be many enlish-speaking young moms where we’re going, so i’m basically screwed forever. :'(
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Have you checked out meetup.com? If there isn’t a mom’s group that meets on evenings/weekends, you could start one. Mine has a good mix of moms’ nights out & playdates with the kids. Another place that I’ve met good mommy friends is at the library during their toddler open play & music classes. I just had to get over my “How can I go up and introduce myself when I haven’t even showered yet today & I have no makeup on” feelings. None of my local friends have kids & we don’t live very close to any family, so it can be very lonely if I don’t keep myself busy. My bestest friends have been amazing, but I do see that there are friends that are falling away. It may be temporary until they have kids themselves- or maybe it’s just life.
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I can relate – Before I had my first son I was a workaholic> I worked 60 plus hours a week and traveled a ton. All of my friends were other professional women who did not have children and were not really planning on having any. My only friend who had a child was my BFF, but the little girl was 7 and she worked too. So no playdates with her. Then I ran into a neighbor and she suggested I join MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers). It was the best thing I did, now 5 years later I have a great social circle of others moms. And even though some have graduated out of MOPS we still get together on a regular basis for girls night outs, we even go away one weekend a year.
I am now the coordinator of my local MOPS group and am having a ball. he group is for anyone with children age birth through kindergarten. If you are interested in joining go to MOPS.org and you can find a local chapter.
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After having my baby I am shocked to be far less lonely than I was pre-baby. Between my breastfeeding support group, Friday playgroup, Stroller Strides class, Luna Moms Club, knitting group and book club (ALL joined through a local baby store) I am out of the house 6 days a week and at least one evening. It’s so much easier to be friends with other moms. I’m not saying you can’t keep your old friends but you can’t expect things to be the same. The ones you do stay in contact with will be the ones who do most of the work (make calls, come over, arrange dinners you can actually attend) and they are priceless. The friends who can’t remember not to call after 9 pm or don’t understand WHY taking a baby to a rock concert is inappropriate may not be worth keeping.
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Hey Em-
Although my life appears very different from yours on the surface, we still have much in common. For the last few months I’ve been stumbling my way through a stressful, personally demanding job and trying to balance relationships. But my move came without friends, family, significant other – I’m jealous you had those. Perhaps it’s not baby changes, but life changes on both sides that makes you feel more distant from people.
I’m with your mom — pick up the phone. Twitter/blog friends are great –- I have several — but it’s good to step away from the computer every once in a while and talk to people you have a different connection with.
Every time I’ve called you in the last year that I remember, you haven’t answered or called me back. So I stopped calling. It works both ways. If everyone’s hanging out at 10 p.m. and you can’t go, invite some people out to dinner or for a walk or something you like to do that works with your schedule. If something’s bothering you, reach out to them too. I bet they’ll still be willing to listen.
And just because some of us (ME!) are far from having children doesn’t mean we can’t understand. I have friends with kids, hang out with them (and their kids) a fair amount and have a great time.
I wish I were closer and we could spend more time together. But for the time being, I think it’s important you talk with the friends who live nearby. Maybe they’re unaware of how you feel and maybe you’re unaware of how they feel. If I were in Rockford, I’d be pretty upset to read about this on a blog instead of hear it directly from you. This post makes it seem that you’ve given up on “non-mommy friends.” I hope that’s not the case.
hugs,
jacalyn
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I totally know what you mean, from both sides of the story. When I was in my 20’s, I only had one or two friends with kids, and I thought they were SO lame. They just fell off the face of the earth, and I never ever heard from them. I decided that I did NOT want to have kids until all of my friends did!
Fast forward 10 years later, and now that I have my little girl, almost all of my friends have kids. Which is great! But right now, while she is still so tiny, I can relate to how you are feeling. I long to be able to spend time with my friends, but I can’t because my baby is too young to go out around other kids. I feel trapped – I’m stuck in the house and can’t really go out, and no one invites me to do anything. For now it’s fine because I know it’s temporary…once she is old enough, I’ll be out and about again.
But, I agree that you need to make new mommy friends!!! Twitter and blogs are great, but you need to have people to hang out with in real life. I recently moved to a new area, and all my mommy friends live too far away to hang out regularly. I found a website called Meetup.com and I joined a group in my area that is all new moms. I can’t wait to start going on walks and playdates and mom’s nights out with other girls that are in the exact same phase of life that I am!
Anyway, this got WAY longer than I had planned. Just know that you are not alone, and definitely seek out other mommy friends!!!
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Em – I get your feelings… I think it is just such an adjustment having a baby – which is a wonderful thing – but to get used to the fact that your life is now pretty much given to your wonderful son…something that I know you love – but still such a change. It is easier said than done to pick up the phone or to go hang out with a friend. I remember I didn’t pick up the phone because when I did, you and Jeff would choose that time to cry or make a lot of noise. Kids know when mama is on the phone and you are not giving them attention. It is very stressful. Soon you won’t even be able to go into the bathroom alone! You are missing what you had before, right? But in no way does that mean that you do not love being a mama. It truly is the most wonderful thing in the world. It will get easier and you will begin to have a “life” meeting new people and hanging with your old friends. You are an absolutely WONDERFUL mom and Ryan is such a happy baby. That proves it right there- he is always smiling and giggling. He knows he is so loved. 🙂
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babydickey Reply:
May 27th, 2010 at 6:23 pm
Thanks mom 🙂 Yes, my life has done a complete 180. You don’t get it unless you have kids too… it’s a shock–that’s the best way I can describe it. Your life is completely different–how you feel, your priorities, your goals, it’s all different. It’s nothing I could have ever anticipated. And yes, it’s the best thing I’ve ever done, I love being a mommy, it’s just…. new and different. And it is hard to pick up the phone and make plans because I live around Ryan’s nap schedule and he doesn’t quite have it set yet so each day is kinda different.
And thanks everyone for the group suggestions!! I’ve looked a lot of them up and we either don’t have one where I live or they meet in the mornings 🙁 I signed up for the rockford moms group and they emailed me their June schedule… everything was on a weekday and in the morning, I almost cried! Most library activities are mornings too, but I did find ONE — story time for all ages on Tuesday evenings, right before Ryan’s bedtime. I’ll try it out next week!! 🙂
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Oh!! The library sounds fun! Maybe I can go! 🙂
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Once again, you take the words right out of my mouth. Sometimes it is hard to keep in touch with your non-baby friends. The things that are important to us Moms now (like breastfeeding, OMG he’s sitting up, solids and baby poop etc.) aren’t that exciting to my single friends. On the other hand, hearing about their drunken stories, hookups, drama or things like that can get a little old too. Not because we think we’re BETTER or above that. We’re just out of that culture. I can’t stay out drinking all night, because my son wakes up at 6am every morning wanting to nurse right away. I haven’t been out for a drink with the girls since DECEMBER. whoa. 6 months. I’ve been out for a drink 2x since G was born.
As far as the not answering the phone goes I’m sure my friends think the same thing. I honestly don’t have my cell phone attached to me like I used to… so when someone does call, I won’t see it til 11pm or the baby is crawling all over me, changing a diaper, feeding him and I can’t just stop and answer the phone.
I miss my carefree life. But having G is a billion times better than any party or gossip session could ever be. I wish I could balance friends/homelife better. 🙁
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I feel like this all the time. I have actually had really sad moments where I feel like my friends who don’t have children are specifically avoiding me because I’m the “downer one tied down with a baby”. They’re mutual friends of mine and my husband’s and in my insecure momma moments I’m convinced that it’s just ME they don’t want to hang out with anymore. Sometimes I seriously feel like my Twitter and ‘net friends are the only ones I can relate to.
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wow i can’t believe i was so behind on reading your blog that i JUST saw this post! just wanted to say that i know things are different for you, but i am with jaclyn – things are different for a lot of us. i haven’t called you much because i always get the impression that you are too busy to even chat for a minute. i got that impression after not having any of my calls answered or returned for about the past year 😛 i’m not mad, i just took it as a hint that you didn’t have time for our friendship like you used to. i hope that you find some friends that you can relate to and that you don’t lose all of your pre-baby friendships. i hate that i have to learn about your life along with the bazillion other people (mostly strangers) that read your blog, but i accept that it’s how i can keep up with my friend’s life. i hope your library group works out for you!
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babydickey Reply:
June 1st, 2010 at 5:04 pm
Kristin (& Jac) – that’s absolutely true that I don’t have time to sit and talk on the phone. Definitely no phone time when Ryan is awake and when he isn’t, I’m cleaning the house, eating, cooking, doing laundry, reviewing products…. and I work part time. I seriously have no time. I don’t mean to be rude, but I promise when you both have kids you will completely understand and don’t feel bad when I say you can’t possibly understand until you do. Of course I want to keep my old friends – I said that in my post, I also took blame for being awful at picking up the phone. It’s just that I need mom friends too. I need friends that I can discuss parenting issues with…. Jacalyn, you moved to WY so you needed to make new WY friends… I’m a mom, I need to make new mom friends. It does not mean I love my old friends any less. I didn’t mean to make you guys upset with this post — neither of you even live here! If you read all the other comments on here from other moms, they all said the same thing too… you guys know I love you even if I don’t have time to call and chat. You guys shouldn’t feel threatened. Best way to keep in touch with me? Email! I can do that at work 😉 And Kristin – can’t wait to hear stories of Oz! So freaking jealous. Don’t forget to go see the thunder from down under for me, k?
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I have grown apart from most of my pre-kids friends. It’s sad but we were heading in that direction anyway. I had moved to a different town a couple of years before my first daughter was born and I was kind of “outgrowing” that group anyway. I still have the same two best friends–but they both have kids of their own (one had hers a couple years before, one had hers a year after) and our friendships are REALLY strong and could withstand most anything, including living in different states for the past 8-10 years. I did have a few friends who were already parents that I have sort of grown away from because we have different parenting styles. It’s not on purpose but I think it’s for the best.
I have made great “mommy” friends. I am slow to make friends but now that I have an almost 4-year old I look up and realize that I have a really strong circle of friends and I love it.
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This makes total sense. I got married at just barely 21 with one full year of college left. Most of my friends were trying to figure out what guy to go out with that weekend… I was marrying someone for life. Kind of a disconnect, you know?
Of course, a lot of them married in the following couple of years, but again, when I started having kids, I was the lone ranger for awhile. I finally had to say, “I had kids, I didn’t die. I’d love to be included in some invites for girls’ nights out, etc” (And yes, I called them to make plans too… )
I found some amazing friends in other moms and definitely have come to realize that while your best friend from forever ago will always be able to giggle over inside jokes and will always get your back when you need it, only another mom will truly understand the black humor involved in a crazy night laden with poo, spit up, sleepless kids, etc.
Life is so fluid… hope you find your niche soon.
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(BTW, I’m @monsterchew on Twitter)
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