I know I just posted about c-sections and sometimes I wonder how much babble about it my readers can handle, but I’ve been meaning to write about these issues for awhile and I wanted to address some of the comments on my last post… so I decided now was a good time for this post. Thanks for putting up with me 😉
I feel I’ve made tremendous progress in dealing with my c-section. I still rant about it on occasion, but much less tears. I don’t know the stages of grieving… when does anger come in? I think that’s where I am. Some days I’m even like “yea I had a c-section, who cares? no big deal” and other days I’m still a mess. I think the “who cares” days are a coping mechanism, because of course I still care–a lot.
Two things in this post. First–there are 2 fairly recent realizations I’ve had about my c-section that I’m having trouble getting past. Second–a response to many of the comments on my last c-section post.
First… The hospital stay, the surgery, the mother-baby unit… it’s all blurry. Random memories pop into my head, even still. And right now, there are two that I absolutely cannot get past. They’ve been lingering in the back of my mind for probably a month now (that’s how behind I am on writing this post). These two things… I’m not sure I can ever get past… I get SO very angry thinking about them. Ok…. first….. I felt the pressure. I think it’s the closest thing I have to feeling anything of a natural birth. I’ve heard that when it’s time to push, you will know it–no questions asked. So obviously I wasn’t there, but I definitely felt the downward pressure. I remember getting really excited and when the nurse came in the room, I told her about it–in my super excited, smiley voice, like “the baby is coming soon!” But…. the nurse completely discounted my feelings. She told me the pressure couldn’t possibly be the baby. She made me think that maybe I had to go to the bathroom. Or that I couldn’t really feel it because I had an epidural. I remember being SO disappointed, my body physically slumped down. And I totally believed her. I thought “oh shoooooot, this isn’t it, I’m not close yet.” But I KNOW that’s what it was. I was at 8 cm and had just gone to +1 station. It breaks my heart. That was the feeling of him moving down (not being stuck), that was the feeling of the beginning of delivery. How much longer till it was time to push? How much longer did I need? a;slkjfd;alskjfda;lsdjf;lakdjf
The second thing… damned if I do, damned if I don’t. They told me I needed an internal monitor to check the strength of my contractions (because I wasn’t progressing “fast enough.”) They said if the monitor showed that my contractions weren’t strong enough, even with all that freakin’ pitocin, I’d need a c-section. I freaked out, they put in the monitor and after awhile a nurse came in to look at the charts. I asked her what the contraction strength looked like and she frowned and said it looked like they were NOT strong enough (= c-section) but that the OB would have to look at them. I freaked out some more. The OB came in and she said–well, the contractions are strong enough!–and I distinctly remember smiling and getting really excited. Oh THANK GOD! That means they’re okay and I don’t need a c-section, whoohoo!! ……. and then the OB continued her sentence… “So what that means is that they’re strong enough but they’re not doing anything. they aren’t doing their job. And we don’t know why. He’s probably stuck and too big to fit out. So, you need a c-section.” Heartbreak. I sobbed, immediately. WHY didn’t I realize in that moment what they just did to me?! I didn’t realize it for months afterward.
If the contractions are NOT strong enough, I need a c-section. If the contractions ARE strong enough, it means they aren’t working and I need a c-section. WTF?! CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT THE EFF WAS THE POINT OF THE INTERNAL MONITOR IF I WAS DAMNED EITHER WAY. PLEASE. WHY why why did I not see their nasty, sneaky, manipulative ways?!?!?! Why didn’t I notice?! The outcome was c-section in their minds no matter what the fuck the charts said. I HATE PEOPLE. and now I’m crying. Who can help me get past these two things?! BLAH.
Second… I got quite a few comments in my last c-section post telling me not to worry, it’s not my fault, etc. Thank you, really–I know you all mean well and are trying to help me out. But it’s so much easier said than done. I had an unnecessary c-section and I still replay that last moment in my head over and over. The moment we consented to the surgery. (I know it’s not healthy to play the “what if” game, but I can’t help it, yet). What if I said no one more time? What if I asked for 1 more hour? What if… ? So yes, of course I still feel like it was my fault I ended up with the c-section, even though I know you will all tell me it was the system that failed me. I’m not there yet, okay? I hope one day I will get there, absolutely. But I’m not yet.
So yes, there are long-term side effects of having c-sections and if I have any of them, or if Ryan has any of them, I will of course feel that it is my fault because I feel that the c-section was my fault. For now, anyway, that’s how I feel.