All night I was having dreams about c-sections and people yelling at me. Every time I woke up I tried to replay the dream in my head so that I’d remember it in the morning, but no luck. All I remember are feelings of fear and guilt.

I was terrified of waking up this morning to see any more rude comments on my last post. The first time it happens, I can handle it. When a few more start flowing in, I lose it. My skin is thickening, but I can’t handle it yet. When I open my email and I see something from “Baby Dickey”… a new blog comment… I seriously get knots in my stomach because I’m afraid to look and see if it’s going to ruin my day.

You might ask why I don’t just close comments, but… that’d be a shame because the majority of comments are extremely supportive and helpful to me. I can’t let a few people ruin that. Plus… there’s this thing I strongly believe in called the Constitution and the freedom of speech. I just wish people weren’t so hurtful sometimes–I get they’re defensive, I get they’re trying to make their point, but why attack me in doing so? Over this?

I want to report correct stats and I don’t mind being corrected at all. I’ve also learned my lesson–next time I report something like in my last post, I’ll cite my sources. So let’s have an educated discussion and get all the facts out there… let’s not attack eachother. One of the comments yesterday came from a woman who was also upset with her birth experience, yet she was still “attacking” me. How are we not working together on this? What are we missing? We shouldn’t be fighting eachother. I apologize that my stats upset people, but I did not just make them up, I did read them somewhere. And as soon as I find it again I’ll post it… and if they aren’t correct, that’s fine, we’ll get to the bottom of it.

I don’t want any more c-section nightmares. Honestly, I’m surprised this is the first time I’ve had any….and sadly, they were caused by my anxiety over getting comments on my blog. I write publicly, so I guess I “deserve it.” Ah well. I just don’t want these few negative comments to scare me away from posting about this again in the future…

I rant about my c-sections here because it’s healing to write it out. I don’t expect sympathy. I don’t expect any comments at all. I’m thankful you guys are even reading those posts. So on that note… thank you SO much for all the wonderful comments and all the support. I know I’d be much worse off if it weren’t for all of you. It’s great to know there are others out there who feel the same–or at least understand–and I’m not alone. 🙂

11 comments to Nightmares

  • lol, that’s what is funny to me. Do ppl honestly think you were just sitting there and thought, “hmm let me say __% because it’ll sound good” lmao. wtf. of course you got that information somewhere. The internet is a huge place and has lots of different sites with lots of different info. God forbid we all read something different. To me, I don’t think you are really wrong because who’s to say the site where they got their info on is 100% right and not the site you read your stats on?

    People just need to get a life, I swear.


  • I haven’t read the last post yet, but I really don’t think freedom of speech should always apply to private-public things like blog. I will absolutely 100% never approve a post where someone was rude or made me feel bad. Not to say I wouldn’t post disagreeing things, but if someone is going to disagree, they better be masters of diplomacy and tact, which very few people on the internet are… so, sucks for them if they want the right to say whatever the heck they want.

    I’m sorry people have been making you feel bad. That should never happen, but we all know it does. 🙁 I often feel that knot in my stomach when i see a reply to one of my posts somewhere. It’s awful! *hugs*


  • I totally can’t see you sitting there making up stats though, who has the TIME and energy to do that, especially a new mom? Holy Jesus. It’s almost as if a personal offense was taken to “wrong stats”. Sometimes, we aren’t perfect and we aren’t right about things…there isn’t anything offensive about that.

    But I’m finding that people take offense to ANYTHING and EVERYTHING outside their realm of thinking and believing.

    Chin up lovie, I love reading your posts and your views on things. Every body reacts different to each situation, and while although I didn’t mind my c-section (it was necessary), your c-section was DEFINITELY not necessary and I definitely feel your pain and depression over it. Your natural birth WAS taken from you without reason other than you were “taking too long”.

    Haters will be haters though, no matter what you write or how perfect your stats are.



  • angie

    I’ve been having weird dreams lately too. Last night I woke up my hubs by hysterically laughing in my sleep. He shook me and asked if I was ok and what the heck was going on. I proceeded to tell him that me and my sister were flying horses and I was trying to teach her how to fly and she kept falling in the water and that’s why I was laughing. He was like okayyyyy…


  • Giant hugs hun!! You’re doing great getting information out there, and if people choose not to believe it, that is their problem, not yours.

    I’m sorry you had such an awful dream. Those suck…


  • Bobbi Janay

    I am so sorry to see that you got attacked, I agree disagreeing and Attacking are to totally different things.


  • The topics you post about have so much potential to bring women together…to empower woman and help other recognize feelings about their own experiences and make connections with others. Sadly, some people are much more willing to be rude and bitter than to be gentle with others who want to heal and connect.

    I’m sorry that some people suck! You’re totally right that venting on YOUR blog is healing. Do what you want to do for you, and don’t let the words of jerks ruin your day. Those people aren’t ones you’d ever surround yourself with in real life, so don’t let them get into your head online either. The internet gives bullies false confidence.


  • Christine

    I love your blog and I hope you don’t get discouraged. Like you say people have the right to their own opinion but whatever happened to “If you don’t have something nice to say don’t say anything at all” I spend my days in court fighting for abused and neglected children and the last thing I want to do when I get home is engage in differences of opinions online.

    Your birth story is yours and yours alone. It is impossible for anyone else to know the truth. I respect that you need to own your feelings about it. Sounds like sort of the opposite thing you went through happened to me. To make a LONG story short my OB let my labor go on WAY to long until it was “too late” to do a C-Section. My son was stuck and after a traumatic forceps delivery he had to spend a week in the NICU. I truly believe that no one but me knows exactly what I went through. Do what you need to do to heal yourself and try not to let others negative thoughts and feelings influence what you need to do to feel whole. 🙂


  • Hi, I read your blog alot… huge fan :)lol. I just had a baby girl a week and a half ago (vaginal) so I dont really have any idea what you are going through, and Im not going to pretend like I do. I just hope that you can take this anger, frustration and pain you are going through and find a way to make this a possitive thing. Dont dwell on the negative (I know easier said then done) But, it may not seem like it now but this WILL make you a stronger women. Use this to make sure that this never happens to any one again. Use this to promote more hospitals to do VBACs and make women more aware of their options. You WILL have another baby and you WILL have the birth experience you always have wanted. Try thinking like that and see if your days are better. I dont know you at all, but from what I read you are a hell of alot stronger then most and dont let this get you down, turn it around and prove a point to people. What happened to you isnt right, and it isnt fair, but it happened and you have to recover and heal emoitionally and your rants are helping you with that…people will be asses no matter what you say, dont let them bring you down. You could right a post saying how much you love ceasections and those people would comment negative on something…best of luck!!!


  • I don’t know if you’ll get this in time, but on Good Morning America today they are going to be talking about C-sections and the fact that it’s performed so often. I have to leave in a bit so I might miss it but wanted to let you know! They’ll probably have info on their website as well. Just thought you might be able to get some stats for your readers! 🙂


  • Thanks everyone… you guys really do empower me!! Rene- I’ll have to look that up online because I’m at work when it’s on (besides, we don’t have cable and I don’t think we get that channel, lol)! Thanks for letting me know!


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