Mommy’s new vocabulary

Yes, it’s true that I’ve said “poop” more times in the last 8 months than I’ve said in my previous 25 years of life–or some form of it: poo, stinkies, poopoo, stinky butt, doodoo, or if I’m feeling really crazy it’s “did stinky butt go poopoodooooodiddly doodoo?”

The same is true for farts. Toots, tootoos, poot, pooty, stinky… and it’s no wonder children grow up to think poop and farts are silly–every time I hear one of them come from my tiny lil boy, I get a huge smile (ya, who would have thought?!) and say, “what did you just do??!!!” with such enthusiasm you’d think he just cured cancer or landed on the moon. Sometimes I clap and laugh, or even say GOOD JOB!

Words and actions that have entered my every day life (even when Ryan is not around):

“bye-bye!”
blowing bubbles or raspberries
my motherese tone (think high pitched and too happy)
“good job!”
“nuhh-uhhh”

And I’m sure this habit only gets worse as time goes on. I catch myself talking to my cats this way (ok, not a big deal), but when I start talking that way to my in-laws… or my students… just call me mom.

But what’s funny? That’s not what this post is about.

MY new vocabulary includes all the bad words in the book. If you know me in real life, you know I don’t swear. It’s just not something I’ve ever done and to have any of those words come out of my mouth is completely awkward. Was completely awkward.

Now? Mother f*#king $h*t. It seems like I use a swear word in nearly every sentence. Having a baby tests your patience like you wouldn’t believe… some days I think “hell yea I totally ROCK this patience thing.” Other days I’m like “get me the EFF out of here, Ryan is going out the window and the next person I see is getting punched in the effing face.” Replace any nice terms with more vulgar ones.

Just about everything is now extreme enough to deserve an expletive. Phone rings and it’s on the other side of the room: ^&$*. We’re out of ice?! *&^$. Ohhh, #%^* I just dropped my notebook. %^& #$%*, I just missed the green light. WHAT THE #%^@ is this dirty dish doing on the @$#%&* counter?! and WHY are these clothes still in the ^%$@ dryer?! The house is a &*# mess. We don’t have any *&$ ice cream and my @#&(* boobs hurt from nursing all night long.

I keep reminding myself I better stop this &*%^& habit before Ryan starts talking! That’s the LAST thing we need–proof for the rest of the world that we suck as parents when our toddler says “%^& you!” when someone budges us in line at the grocery store.

I sound like a b^&*$ don’t I? I know I’m not the only one…. let’s hear from all the other mothers out there–what’s YOUR favorite word?!